How To Make The News Less Interesting Than C-SPAN

Back on March 7 Chris Hemsworth hosted SNL. I know, that was like 2 weeks ago, but there’s been some confusion on the blogs so here I am again. Anyway, the episode was hosted by Thor, also known as Captain Kirk’s dad and a guy who got shot in the head in Red Dawn (SPOILER), and he did a decent job. Naturally, they did an Avengers sketch like they did when Jeremy Renner hosted a while ago. Of course, the one featuring Jeremy Renner was much funnier, as it had Jason Sudeikis as Iron Man and featured Hawkeye running out of arrows while this one had the Avengers just happy that they defeated Robert California’s robot from The Office. But overall, Hemsworth did a decent job. The whole episode caused me to chuckle a few times, so that was fine I guess. But this blog is not about SNL as a whole, it’s about the Weekend Update, and this one was disappointing.

He was in The Office as Robert California, a weirdo boss.

Maybe disappointing isn’t the right word, because I did not go into this Update with high expectations. If anything, I was thinking “Hey, they can’t do worse than last week’s! That one was terrible!” Well, I was too much of an optimist. (I know, right, how is that optimistic?) This Weekend Update, while slightly better than the horrible one featuring “Riblet,” still missed the mark badly, and I am definitely losing faith in the writers of SNL. The head writer is supposedly Colin Jost, also known as “The Blandest Host To Ever Host The Weekend Update,” so that explains a lot. Okay, let’s get started in the analysis of this dreadful segment.

For once, Michael Che was given the first joke, and he discussed Ferguson statistics of African-American arrests (alliteration there) and was decently funny. Not laugh-out-loud funny, but not unfunny either.

Next, Colin Jost discussed Hillary Clinton releasing her emails, and then joked about who would have to read 50,000 emails from a grandma and how they would likely be about Obama being a Kenyan. Interesting.

So she might be President. God help us all.

Jost then joked about Benjamin Netanyahu giving a speech about Iran and apparently how he became the Republican frontrunner for President. So I guess that was supposed to be funny.

You know, it really annoys me when these anchors think their jokes are so hilarious and they aren’t, but instead, are just bland and stupid. Norm Macdonald, the best host ever, would often tell edgy and complicated jokes that he knew were funny, and the audience wouldn’t understand, so Macdonald would just stare at the audience to let them know that the joke was funny. Colin Jost attempts to replicate this from time to time, but it doesn’t work because his jokes aren’t funny!

Then Jost told two unfunny jokes about a plane skidding in snow.

Next, Che told a joke about Bill Clinton’s Presidential painting and how it supposedly contains a shadow about Monica Lewinsky and how the painting also features Clinton without pants. A little less unfunny than Jost’s jokes about a drunk pilot.

Then Leslie Jones, a new cast member as of this season, gave relationship advice as an Update guest. She was decently funny here, but definitely could have been funnier. She portrayed herself as just an angry woman, somewhat like Melissa McCarthy, and talked about New York City’s blocks being miles long and the subways having pooping rats and just a lot of random stuff. The funniest part of this bit, and I can’t believe I’m about to say this, was Colin Jost, the so-called “interviewer” here. He made two sarcastic comments that were decently funny. Leslie was screaming, questioning why it had to be so cold, and Jost replied “I think because it’s winter.” Yay sarcasm! After that, Jost should have just left the building.

But he didn’t.

Anyway, Jones left, and Michael Che told a joke about Michael Jordan becoming a billionaire and Scotty Pippen selling Forbes magazines. So that was decently funny.

Then Colin Jost told his second funny joke of the night.

“Justin Bieber this week turned 21 years old, but his mustache thinks he turned 13.”

It’s always fun to hear of Justin Bieber bashing, but it’s less funny to hear it a week after a far superior comedian did a similar and funnier bit. On Monday, March 2, Conan O’Brien, on his show aptly named Conan, discussed Justin Bieber’s birthday in his opening monologue.

Conan: “Yesterday, Justin Bieber turned 21 years old. [Everyone in the audience boos, naturally.] Justin started celebrating on Saturday, 5 years ago.”

[After about 5 seconds of laughter.]

Conan:  “Forget the joke, because it’s forgettable, but what I found much more interesting is that I announced that a human being was still alive after 21 years, and the audience booed. ‘Oh hey, this guy turned 21—‘    ‘Booooo!!!! Still alive, eh???’”

Andy Richter: “’Seems like he’s been around for 40 years!’”

Conan: “You’re a soulless group, that’s what I have to say to you.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, the Colin Jost joke about Justin Bieber was funny, but I much prefer the Conan O’Brien exchange. I think that what really makes it funny is the audience interaction. The Weekend Update generally has an audience interaction of “Anchor tells joke and audience laughs like trained monkeys.” But Conan was able to do so much more than the Weekend Update with this audience interaction! It is interesting to note that O’Brien used to be a writer for SNL, back in the 80s, when there were good music and good movies filled with cheesy and awesome one-liners and terrific, memorable characters. Gosh, I’m going off-topic. What made Conan’s bit here funny was the ability to improvise, which is something the Weekend Update hosts need to feel free to do more of. Colin Jost can actually be funny when he is not following his own horribly-written jokes. SNL in general is funniest when cast members improvise and surprise other cast members in sketches and in the Weekend Update. It is that sense of surprise that makes the Weekend Update funny, both spontaneous surprises and surprises like “Oh, did that guy really go there with that joke?” (I’m referring to Jebidiah Atkinson and Norm Macdonald there.)

After telling that Bieber joke, Che and Jost joked back and forth (scripted, of course) about Ben Carson.

Then Che talked about a man who was arrested by police for possession of marijuana in a container labeled “Not Weed.” Che said that the police car was labeled “Not Police.”

That was funny, but guess what? Conan O’Brien discussed that story on Monday as well. Conan said that the man was found “Not not guilty.” So I guess that Conan’s joke was probably less funny than the Weekend Update joke, but that’s not necessarily the point. What’s interesting is that the two funniest Weekend Update jokes were about storylines that Conan O’Brien already discussed FIVE DAYS EARLIER. I get that you need to find funny stories to talk about in the Weekend Update, but I do not think it’s a coincidence that they were taken from Conan O’Brien’s opening monologue on his show. These are valid news stories, and they did happen, but I still find it interesting, that’s all. I am not suggesting that SNL, in its desperation to tell funny jokes on the Weekend Update, is stealing jokes from Conan O’Brien, and likely other talk show hosts. I am not suggesting that, okay? Okay. (Fault in Our Stars reference OMG! John Green strikes again!)

Aww, how sweet! Cancer!

Anyway, after this, there was one funny joke about rats and fleas spreading the bubonic plague and how that’s just a black mark on the stellar record of fleas on New York rats’ backs. The final guest was Cecily Strong’s Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With At a Party. Her character was a ditzy girl who has no idea what she’s talking about with regards to current world issues like ISIS and terrorism. This was decently funny but nothing too special. Then this abysmal Update ended.

So, what can we conclude? For one, the Weekend Update is not really improving. It is still bland and quite unfunny at times. Also, Colin Jost needs a new job. This one isn’t working for him. Finally, SNL is suspiciously using stories that Conan O’Brien already used five days before. Maybe Conan should write for SNL and maybe it can be funny again. In the meantime we’re stuck with the Dynamic Duo of Blandman and Robbin’. That is, the jokes are bad and they’re robbing us of our time and energy. There’s no new SNL this Saturday, but next Saturday (March 28) Dwayne The Rock Johnson is hosting. Hopefully the Rock can give a solid performance that can be the foundation for funny jokes. Hopefully he gives a Herculean effort and make us less fast to turn off the TV because we are so furious at the Update anchors. I hope they have a good game plan, but in the meantime, we’ll just have nothing to do but play with G.I. Joe action figures. Please let me know if you have any comments or questions about that pun-filled last paragraph or the post as a whole. Good afternoon, good evening, and good night.