Jebidiah Atkinson Reviews The Most Recent Weekend Update Segment

On February 28, Dakota Johnson hosted SNL, and I guess I’m supposed to write a blog about that episode’s Weekend Update. So I will, and it shall be written as Jebidiah Atkinson would write a review. For a reminder as to how he writes and speaks, watch this.

 http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/weekend-update-jebidiah-atkinson/2753017

Now, read this review in his voice.

This past Weekend Update makes me wish I was Hellen Keller so I wouldn’t have to see or hear it! Colin Jost? More like Rotten Host! This wannabe Seth Myers clone couldn’t make someone laugh even if they were under anesthesia's laughing-gas! He is so one-dimensional that a line has more personality than him! He has less facial expressions than Darth Vader and less voice inflection than an emotionless robot! His jokes are so bland that vanilla ice cream is ashamed to have him compared to it! You know what is funnier than Colin Jost? Everything! Even Schindler’s List and Psycho are funnier than Colin Jost!

Schindler's List: One of the saddest movies ever made.

Okay, Jebidiah, he’s not that bad. I mean, come on, didn’t he have a funny joke this week about ADD?

Colin Jost is the stupidest host to sit behind the Weekend Update desk! Oh, his chest hurts because he has ADD? Well mine does too, because any time he tells a joke, my heart tries to stop beating to put me out of my misery! Only Colin Jost could take a hilarious story about runaway llamas and make the punchline unfunny. Only he could ruin a perfect premise like that!

Runaway Llamas. And Colin Jost couldn't even make that premise funny.

I mean, Colin Jost was still funny, right? Didn’t he also have that other funny joke about…

…um

…give me a moment

…I got nothing.

I take your point, Jebidiah.

But what about Michael Che? Didn’t he at least make you smile at his jokes about marijuana, and marijuana, and steroids, and Obama, and Biden?

Michael Che told jokes? Sorry, I couldn’t hear over his stuttering! How difficult is it to read a cue card, Michael Che? Certainly not much more difficult than destroying the funniest segment in SNL history, right? It takes skill to take the simple task of telling jokes off of a cue card and completely failing at it by turning it into pure garbage!  You know who could read the cue cards better than Michael Che?

Who?

The little blind boy from Dumb and Dumber whose bird was decapitated! At least the bird doesn’t have to hear the horrible jokes that make up the Weekend Update right now!

Okay, come on, that’s a bit harsh.

Harsh is my job! At least I’m good at it.

The Blind Boy from Dumb and Dumber whose bird's head is duct taped to its body.

Well, what about the guest characters this week? Didn’t you like Kate McKinnon as Justice Ginsberg? Or Jay Pharaoh as Kanye West apologizing in a song? Or even Bobby Moynihan as Riblet?

I didn’t like any of the night’s guest characters at all! Justice Ginsberg? Oh, so Kate McKinnon did her Justin Bieber impression while wearing a gown? How original! If I wanted to be bored to death I would watch C-Span! At least that Justice Ginsberg would have an ounce of, oh what do you call it, humor? Even the blind boy from Dumb and Dumber had to shield his eyes from this awful character!

You really like that Dumb and Dumber blind boy huh?

I don’t like any people in the world, especially the blind! You know your life is terrible when the dog is walking you!

Oh, come on, that’s terrible, Jebidiah! Now, let’s stay on track. What about the Kanye West impression? Wasn’t that funny?

I’m sorry, was I supposed to want to blow my brains out during that hilarious scene? If so, then Saturday Night Live really succeeded with that one! They really hit it right on the nose! They beat anyone else to the punch with that song! Oh, never mind that the far superior Wayne’s World already dealt with Kanye West TWO WEEKS earlier! But no, this time they create an annoying song to show how clever the writing staff is right now on SNL. You know, I think the real Kanye West would have stormed the stage if the song Jay Pharaoh sang was actually funny!

So you didn’t like Jay Pharaoh’s impression of Kanye West?

Impression? Oh, sorry, I fell asleep halfway through the song!

Okay then… Now you’ve got to tell me you enjoyed Riblet. I mean, that guy’s hilarious!

Don’t get me started on Riblet! If there is one person less funny than Colin Jost, it is Riblet! I’m supposed to laugh that he has hair that makes him look like Mickey Mouse, right? You know you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel when your main source of comedy comes from a hair style! Riblet couldn’t be funny if he was grilled and put in a sandwich drenched in barbecue sauce! Oh, he wants to steal Michael Che’s jorb? Well good, while he does that, he can steal another five minutes from my life and finish his mission of stealing my sanity!

This is funny nowadays.

Well, Jebidiah, were you really sane to begin with?

Sanity is a relative term! You may call an insane man sane, but he can call sane men insane and call himself sane, so which one is truly insane, you might ask? I’ll tell you: Riblet! And not insane in the good way either. It’s insane that anyone on the show thought that Riblet MIGHT be even remotely CLOSE to funny! You know what I would order if SNL owned a restaurant? The Riblet with a drizzle of stupidity and with a side of wasted time and unfunny jokes, and I would go out and feed Riblet to the dogs! The bombing of Hiroshima has NOTHING on the bombing of this excuse for a character!

I’m sorry, Jebidiah, that is just really harsh! I mean, wasn’t his microphone drop hilarious?

Back in my day, we didn’t have microphones! If you did something well, you didn’t drop a microphone, you received applause and maybe got a new acre of tobacco for it, I don’t know, it was too long ago! Today, you audiences laugh at anything that is told as a joke, even if it’s not funny! You’re the equivalent of a laugh track, except laugh tracks actually signify when something is humorous!

Okay, Jebidiah, have you liked any Weekend Update segments ever? Surely you must have loved the Hanukkah song!

Oh the Hanukkah song! (To the Hanukkah theme) Adam Sandler – tries to be funny – and he’s not but guess what is – the fact that he’s made money! NEXT! Norm Macdonald? Hey, OJ Simpson called, and you’re next on his list. NEXT! Stefon? The character so stupid and unfunny that Bill Hader had to laugh to get any audience reaction? Pass. NEXT! Mr. Dennis Miller. He was so terrible that his hair tried to strangle him to keep him from speaking! NEXT! 

Look at that luscious hair that could literally strangle a person.
Go Mr. Miller!

Colin Quinn! Who was this guy? I’m sorry, I legitimately forgot who he was. Is he still around? Does he have this thing called a career? NEXT! Jimmy Fallon! More like Jimmy FAIL-on! The only good thing he did for the show was leave! NEXT! And now we get to the worst person to ever be a part of the Weekend Update. But I probably shouldn’t talk about this one since everyone got all upset about what I said about the blind!

Yeah, you probably shouldn’t—

I am going to say it! The worst person to ever be on the Weekend Update is an 1860s Newspaper critic named Jebidiah Atkinson! This is such a one-note character that he does the exact same thing every time he is on the show! But people fall for it, because they love cynical critical opinions that spew hate on everything because that’s what stupid hipsters are all about these days! This character is so one-dimensional that he’s going to be made into a sequel to a Wrinkle In Time. It’s going to be called “Journey to the 1^st Dimension” and it will star Colin Jost!

Jebidiah Atkinson is not a fan.

That’s Jebidiah Atkinson for you. Goodbye everybody! If you enjoyed this blog or were completely confused by it, then please let me know in the comments. There should be a new SNL on March 7 with Chris Hemsworth (Thor) hosting, so let’s hope he really hammers home a good performance. Let’s hope he’s lightning on the set, and that he will receive thunderous applause. Hopefully he can avenge the last dreadful episode, and maybe, just maybe, bring some light to the dark world that is SNL right now.

Sources: (Links to that week's catastrophe)
This Week's Weekend Update Part 1
Part 2